


I Feel Like My Life Ain't Mine

by DefaltManifesto



Series: 30 Day Song Lyric Challenge [7]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Coming of Age, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Mild Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-12 00:54:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12947796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: Lucina finally leaves her parents behind so they can get back to their real life. She just didn't expect it to hurt this much.





	I Feel Like My Life Ain't Mine

**Author's Note:**

> I saw this lyric prompt and was like: wow look the perfect prompt for the Awakening kids. Please mind the tags. To be fair it's less of an attempt and more a near attempt. 
> 
> Today's prompt is from the following lyric from 1 800 273 8255 by Logic: 
> 
> "I been on the low/I been taking my time/I feel like I'm outta my mind/I feel like my life ain't mine"
> 
> Also, hey friend if you could STOP GIVING ME SAD LYRICS FOR PROMPTS THAT'D BE GREAT just kidding I love you. I'm going to reformat this fic tomorrow. I'm too tired right now.

            Gerome waits astride Minerva a long country road out from the capital. It’s a good night to flee; no clouds in the sky and a nearly full moon to light the way. Minerva makes a noise deep in her throat at the sound of footsteps and a moment later, Lucina comes around the bend. Her mask, or rather one of Gerome’s spares, is fitted across her face making it impossible for him to read her expression. It makes his chest ache. Of them all, Lucina had never needed to hide her emotions from him.

            But perhaps tonight, she was hiding from herself.

            “Are you ready?” he asks.

            Lucina nods and climbs up onto Minerva’s neck alongside him. “Quickly please.”

            Gerome flicks the reins and they take to the sky. He pretends not to feel the way Lucina shakes against him as she cries.

 

 

-.-

           

            Lucina knows it’s foolish to be this upset. She’d known, even when Chrom has assured her of the opposite, that she would one day have to leave her newfound family behind. Chrom had the real Lucina to raise now. There was no place for her there, and there would only become more apparent as the years went on.

            Of all the children, Gerome had never harbored any hope that he could get his old life back when they went back in time. Lucina expects him to be disappointed with her, but he’s not. He just remained ready to leave whenever she finally made the right choice.

            Gerome has Minerva land on a small island off the coast of Ferox so she can rest a few hours before they head off across the sea. Lucina opens her pack and eats a few nuts as Minerva heads off to hunt before her nap. Gerome watches her from across the clearing as he eats. She sighs and removes her mask, hoping he doesn’t make a comment on how her eyes are no doubt swollen and red.

            “I wish it didn’t have to be this way,” Gerome says after a moment. “I wish we could stay with them. Just because I-“ He cuts himself off and looks down at his hands.

            Lucina pockets her food and gets up so she can sit down in front of him instead. “Gerome, I know. You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to.”

            “I should though. You need to know you’re not alone or weak for wanting a family,” he says, tone urgent as his fingers curl into fists.

            Lucina lays her hands on top of his. “Thank you for being honest with me Gerome. It helps. Sometimes I feel like I’m foolish or selfish for thinking I could stay and have my…my life back, my family back.”

            Her voice shakes again but before she can pull away he pulls her forward into a hug. The plates of his armor over his chest dig into her neck but it’s worth it to have the comfort of his arms around her so she doesn’t have to feel like she’s alone _again._ It isn’t until Minerva returns that she realizes her head is wet from Gerome’s tears.

            “I didn’t think it would be this hard,” he whispers.

            She holds him tighter.

 

-.-

 

            They settle on the west coast of Valm, far enough away that it would take some serious searching to find them. It takes work, but they build a cabin for themselves half a day’s ride from the nearest village which means Minerva gets all the free range and all the game she could eat. Gerome stops wearing his mask every day. Lucina doesn’t say anything, but she quite likes how he looks without it.

            Gerome returns one night from town with a haunted look in his eyes. When she asks him what’s wrong he mentions running into Cherche which…isn’t too surprising given that Cherche lives on the other side of Valm instead of a continent away. Still, she can’t imagine what it would be like to see Olivia or Chrom again. Not after she had finally begun to settle down.

            She doesn’t know how else to help so she kisses him. They go to the same bed that night and for at least a little while they can forget about the lives that aren’t theirs, not anymore. After, she sits up in his bed and stares out the window. It won’t change things between them. They’re too close for that. Really, it was inevitable that they’d end up in bed together. For the first time in years, they can finally think about something other than war and the deaths of their families.

            “You’re thinking too loud,” Gerome mumbles into his pillow.

            “So help me stop.”

            Gerome shifts up and over, spreading her legs apart and pressing a kiss to her thigh before licking into her. She curses, hands flying down to twist in his red hair. By the time they’re both done, he’s left fresh bruises in her thighs and she’s scratched up the back of his neck. They sleep easy.

 

-.-

 

            He keeps waiting for Lucina to return to her own room and bed. After all, it’s only to chase away the loneliness that they have, and no matter how much he cares for her, that doesn’t make it a romance. Even knowing that, he doesn’t stop himself from indulging in it anyways. It’s comforting in more than one way.

            He’s always, on some level, wanted someone to need him. Lucina doesn’t, but in those moments when she clings to him and forces his mouth where she wants it, or holds him down and rides him until she’s breathless, he feels…useful. It gives him meaning for a brief moment. They’d come back to save the world and with that done, it was hard to justify being alive. He wasn’t about to live for other people, but for now it was easy to live for the way Lucina cries out his name in the dead of night. Maybe he cares more than he thought.

 

-.-

 

            Lucina snaps. Honestly, she shouldn’t be surprised it’s her and not Gerome. Gerome at least acknowledges his negative emotions, but she’s always just ignored them. She leaves their cabin and heads for the ocean. She gets there at dusk, and by now Gerome probably knows she’s missing. He won’t find her in time though.

            She never learned how to swim. Ylisse didn’t have beaches that encouraged swimming, and war broke out before she had a chance to learn how to do anything other than fight. She sits on the shore and digs her toes into the sand. The water will be cold from winter, which means it won’t take long for her limbs to go so cold she couldn’t swim to shore even if she knew how. It’s a relief.

            “Lucina.”

            She turns to see Gerome striding across the beach, Falchion in hand. So, he returned sooner.

            “Gerome…”

            There’s a million excuses on her lips, but Gerome just sits beside her with Falchion between them. He doesn’t say anything for a long while, but she knows now there’s no hope going through with her plan.

            “I knew because you didn’t take Falchion with you, and you always do,” he says.

            She stares at the sea. “I’m just…tired, Gerome.”

            “I know,” he says. He wraps an arm around her shoulder and draws her close. “I know.”

 

-.-

 

            It’s a year before Lucina’s heart stops aching like a fresh wound every time she thinks of Chrom, Olivia, or the rest of the life she left behind. But…it does. And somehow, for some reason, Gerome still shares her house and her bed. It’s something different than what she imagined her future would be.

She stares out the window as Gerome sleeps beside her.

            She likes this one a lot better.


End file.
